Creating Space

Medical Update for Zach:

Zach has completed two of the four chemo treatments until his next scan in April. He is still handling chemo well and only has a few annoying side effects, like a runny/bloody nose, so hankies are a must. Fatigue during the infusion pump when he comes home is a common occurrence, but it is easily remedied with a nap. Today, we plan to walk to the infusion center for his pre-chemo checkup and blood work. We will return to the infusion center on Monday for round 3 of 4.

Amber’s Thoughts:

This post has taken me a bit to write and rewrite as I have struggled to find the right words.

It has been vital for me to feel all the feelings and not push them away but also to be grateful for our many blessings. I have experienced joy and sorrow on the same day, even in the same hour, and sometimes, that sadness stays for a while. On our drive home from dinner on Sunday night, Silas was lamenting that he had to go to school the next day and how it must be so nice for me not to work anymore. That wasn’t his first comment like that, but it was the first time I explained to him why we made the choice for me to stop working and how that choice affects me. When I was working, I could distract my mind from the reality of what was happening at home. Now, my mind often explores the unsavory what-ifs and the decisions I may have to make on my own if Zach doesn’t make it. When I was a little girl, I would say, “I do it myself.” When Zach and I got married, it became we. I don’t want it to go back to I.

What did you think when you read that paragraph above? Do you think, “I can’t believe she is thinking that? She needs to stay positive, strong, hoping, and praying.”

Feeling those things doesn’t make me weak or negative. It makes me a human who is grieving, and I know I am not the only person who has felt this way. We pray for peace, we pray for healing, and we have hope in Jesus.

I don’t always need to be positive, hopeful, and strong, and it’s okay. I don’t need anyone to fix me or my feelings. Zach and I have learned to sit in sadness together. I think about the depth of our sorrow and how that reflects the depth of our love.

Grief surrounds us just as love does, because I think those two feelings are married. Without one, you can’t have the other. We can easily accept love, but we fend off grief because we don’t want to understand it.

Zach and I talk about what we are grieving. We talk and express ourselves and are good at sitting in our sadness and supporting each other. Talking about our grief doesn’t change the outcome of the situation, but it allows us the gift of sharing our deepest thoughts.

For anyone who is reading this and grieving, we hope that you find or have found the same acceptance of sadness and the ability to navigate through grief instead of being stuck in it.